Moving... again... (AND MY 100th POST! ;D)

How often have we all had to experience that?

Well, for the third time this year, we're moving and saying goodbyes again; packing up and getting ready to leave again; anticipating and expecting God knows what again.
We had such an awesome time here for the past short but meaningful three months. I met such good friends and people who were there to support and encourage me in so many ways. I enjoyed the gift of having my own room (and bathroom).
I just started to get really comfortable here--not feeling extremely awkward talking to people, as an example of it. Yet I'm being uprooted again; I'm not even over the pain of leaving Albania. Cutting back into the wound much?
Not complaining or anything, but I've got to admit this stinks. Yes, God's using this hard time to let me grow more mature yada yada and frankly I'm thankful for it. But what to do with all these mixed feelings?

I feel as empty and lifeless as my beloved room right now.

(and yay for this being my 100th post. maybe i should've picked a less depressing subject. but whatev.)

Crazy

Ok, so like two nights ago... (more like early early mornings like... eh... 2-ish??) I sent off an e-mail to a certain someone feeling all so excited about it. You have no idea how much like an idiot I felt the second I opened my eyes.

You're probably wondering what kind of e-mail it was. So it was full of regret, apology, and nostalgia.
As stupid as I feel, I guess it was the right thing to do. All I have to do now is wait for a reply but the wait's killing me. GAH
*no, it wasn't a love letter*

I turn on the music to drown out all else... every little noise and every little thought... to give my heart a chance to tell me something...

What time is it? Summer time!

So far my summer vacation rating has gone from 9/10 to 2/10. Why?
Firstly, because it rained and now it's cold. Second, because I had to wake up early just to go and help out at a school. Ok ok, don't get me wrong. I love helping out there but it's just not an exciting way to start out my break ya know? I mean, being volunteered is starting to get on my nerves now. My mom's gonna make me go tomorrow again. ㅠㅠ Come ON. I need to clean my room and GET A LIFE. I don't have the time to go over and run errands for hours. Those things were ok when I had time to kill. I can't afford to do that now.
Anyway... I've got exactly... 24 days before I leave Albania. I've got a room to clean and friends to hang out with. That take a long time. So just GARGH!

Graduation!~

I am now an official TCHS graduate. No longer a high schooler.

Since my graduation was decided late, my cap and gown had to be ordered late. It barely made it on time after several mishaps! I got to see mine today for the first time. It felt somewhat weird but thrilling.
The whole commencement ceremony went well, much to my surprise. BUt sadly, I don't get to keep it. All but the tassle.
Singing "Oh Happy Day" with Aimee, Myoungeun, Grace, Hannah, and Heather went well. It went nice considering the fact that we'd only practiced together once under hectic conditions (a.k.a the crowded bathroom and a barely audible audio).
My short "speech" was... well... ha ha. At first, I had to pull down the mic because it was too high up for me. Then I had to stop myself from rambling on a few times. xD But it still went well. And a friend even said he liked it because it sounded like me. :)
There was an award giving time after and I got like... three! Teehee. One for being a T.A., one for being on the student council, and one that was a "distinguished christian high school student award." Now isn't that something? Teehee
The commencement address was great too.

When it was all over, I had to take a million pictures with a million people and say thank you to the million people that congratulated me. Ok, it wasn't a million.. more like about 100 but... ya, when you have a splitting headache and nausea... it's really not a fun thing. So anyway. I made it to the food tables right after the stampede.. but all i could scavenge were carrot sticks, a tiny pastry kinda thing, and a tiny little chocolate thing. Then it was more pictures and congratulations.. blahblahblah etc.

We finally made it out of there but I was on the verge of screaming because of my headache. At home, I thought my brain was going to explode. But all's well, I took Iburprofen and a bowl of spicy ramyun. Now I'm feeling fine and blogging away like no tomorrow. Tis almost midnight too! Oh but what the hey, tomorrow's a no-class day. heehee *evil laugh*
So anyway, here ends another one of my seemingly endless rants.

Amazing Brownie Recipe

A few months ago, I was browsing online for HOURS trying to find a viable, made-from-scratch recipe for chewy brownies. To no avail, I was otherwise unable to strike gold. However, this one recipe that I picked up while on the search proved to be somewhat close to the texture I had yearned for.
Unfortunately, I lost the website and am incapable of crediting the owner of this recipe. But thanks to whoever you are! (Note: I do believe that I skimmed some other recipes from different sites that had almost the same ingredients and processes involved but I don't think I want to worry about that too much.)


INGREDIENTS:
1 cup [225 grams] butter
16 tablespoons [1 cup] cocoa powder
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup flour

THE BROWNIE:
1. Pre-heat oven, and floor the bottom and sides of a reasonable-sized baking pan.
2.At a low heat, melt the butter in a saucepan.
3. Sift the cocoa powder into the melted butter and mix well.
4. In a large mixing bowl, beat the sugar and eggs until fluffy.
5. Add the salt, baking powder, and vanilla extract into the large bowl and mix.
6. Mix in the butter and cocoa mixture into the large bowl and mix.
7. Add the flour last and mix thoroughly.
8. Pour in the batter into the baking pan and spread it out evenly.
9. Bake for 25-30 minutes at 350 degrees or until toothpick comes out clean.
10. Enjoy!

NOTES:
-If you do not have butter, you can substitute with margarine. But when I did that, I realized that the taste was much different than what I would have gotten from the butter.
-Once, I forgot to add the flour, but the result was rather enjoyable!
-I am not confident in the number 350 up there. I use a gas oven, so I looked around and threw in the most common temperature available because I couldn't say, "...bake it at a 2-3cm, blue flame and adjust according to whatever conditions your oven might be prone to."

Holy moly!

But it's started again.
It's just so hard to breathe.
I feel like there's a huge, gaping, abyss inside my heart... slowly bleeding out fear.
Laughter bursts out of my very lips, masking the brewing dread within.
Yet, a light of hope and promise slowly drags me out of this misery.
Days leak away as seconds sift through like sand.
The churning storm of excitement and confusion thunders and bolts of seclusion fly out
Hour by hour, this beating source of life grows heavier and heavier...

:O

In thirty days I will be a TCHS graduate!! EEEk!!!

The Countdown

A little over 10 weeks now?

It's all engraved into my head...

Just having to sink through...

Shock?

...

 춥다...
아프다...
힘들다...

coming soon...

i think i kinda know what it is like to know what it feels like to know death is a few miles away...
to know that time's running out...  into a world unknown
scared... nervous... depressed
yet excited,,, ecstatic... thrilled at the same time...

a life away from this world of bore

don't want any more tearful goodbyes
painful and cruel separation...
the bittersweet reality of the truth...

허락- 준서

아무 말도 못 해도 아무렇지 않아요
그댈 볼 수만 있다면
가질 수가 없어도 만질 수가 없어도
시린 가슴 한번 쓸어내리고 참아내죠
어디에 있는지 잘 있는지 그대 하루가 걱정이죠
달빛 머금은 애타는 밤에는 그 생각에 잠 못 들죠
또 다시 태어나는 그 날엔 하늘이 허락하길 바래요
우리의 이뤄질 수 없었던 사랑을

그대 곁에 없어도 그대 뒤에 있어요
외로운 그림자 되어
돌아보고 싶어도 돌아봐선 안돼요
한뼘 행복마저 줄 수 없는 날 피하세요
한 걸음 두 걸음 나보다 더 조금 서둘러 걸어가요
나의 두 손이 또 나의 두 발이 그대 길을 막지 않게
또 다시 태어나는 그 날엔 하늘이 허락하길 바래요
우리의 이뤄질 수 없었던 사랑을

하늘아 내 사랑을 가려줘
바람아 내 아픔을 날려줘
그대가 내 눈물을 모르게 부탁해

사랑은 떠났어- 1sagain

우연히 난 너의 뒷모습을 봤어
나도 모르게 너를 따라가
아직도 못잊었나봐
단지 그리웠던 건지
아님 미련이 아직도 남아있는지
한참을 따라가다 난 봤어
네곁에 새로운 그 사람

조금씩 넌 멀어져가
얼음처럼 굳어버린 내 두발이 힘없이
그 자리에 주저앉고 말았어
나와 처음 만난 그때 그 미소
그대로 너는 행복해 보였어
그렇게 조금씩 넌 멀어져 갔어

사랑은 떠났어 아무말도 없었어

나만 바라본다 약속했던 넌
나는 또 울었어 바보처럼 울었어
사랑은 날 두고 떠나버렸어

헤어지잔 말
너무 슬피 울며 미안하단 말
나를 보내면서 잘지내란 말

다신 사랑하지 않겠다는 말
그래 우린 지쳐갔고 미친듯이 싸우기도 했지
사랑은 지겹다며 너는 나를 떠나갔지

그렇게 혼자 있고 싶단
넌 어떻게 벌써 다른 사람이 생겨
또 다시 난 남겨졌어

애써 참았던 눈물이 갑자기
우리의 추억아래 두 뺨을 흘러
너가 떠났다는 슬픔보다 다시 돌아오지 않을 너가
나의 가슴을 또 한번 더 찢고 있어

사랑은 떠났어 아무말도 없었어

나만 바라본다 약속했던 넌
나는 또 울었어 바보처럼 울었어
사랑은 날 두고 떠나버렸어

쉽게 찾아오고 쉽게 떠나가는
사랑이라는 잔인한 이름
그 두글자 속에 타버린
내 마음을 몰래 감추지

너를 가질순 있었지만
너를 지킬순 없었던 나
이제와 돌이키면 후회만 해

조그많게 내게 속삭이던 너의 고백
사랑이란 내게 웃음을 줬고

사랑이란 내게 눈물도 줬어
사랑 이별 그 행복한 거짓말

사랑은 떠났어 아무말도 없었어

나만 바라본다 약속했던 넌
나는 또 울었어 바보처럼 울었어
사랑은 나를 버렸어

Wordkill- Epik High

숨이 막혔으면 해? 눈이 감겼으면 해?
너로 가득했던 가슴에 큰 못이 박혔으면 해?
어둠속에 갇혔으면 해? 맘의 문이 닫혔으면 해?
따뜻하게 입맞추던 내 입이 피를 삼켰으면 해?
모든걸 망쳤으면 해? 모든 길이 갈렸으면 해?
너란 유리조각 파편에 두발을 담궜으면 해?
그토록 다쳤으면 해? 죽도록 아팠으면 해?
그저 이 사랑이란 가면에 상처를 감췄으면 해?

너의 그 말, 말, 말 그 잔인한 말
가슴아픈 말 칼날같은 말
너의 그 말, 말, 말 그 잔인한 말
날 울리는 말 날 죽이는 말

everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
breakin' breakin' breakin' me down

손이 묶였으면 해? 땅에 발이 묻혔으면 해?
너로 인해 뛰던 가슴에 분노가 뭉쳤으면 해?
그림자를 숨겼으면 해? 죽은듯이 숨쉬었으면 해?
서로 영원하자 빌던 하늘에 이별을 훔쳤으면 해?
무너지는 꿈꿨으면 해? 고통안에 춤췄으면 해?
너로 빛이 나던 나의 작품에 큰 불을 붙였으면 해?
모든게 뒤틀렸으면 해? 끝으로 이끌렸으면 해?
우리 운명이란 가는 사슬에 고리가 끊겼으면 해?

너의 그 말, 말, 말 그 잔인한 말
가슴아픈 말 칼날같은 말
너의 그 말, 말, 말 그 잔인한 말
날 울리는 말 날 죽이는 말

everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
breakin' breakin' breakin' me down

why is everybody
breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
everybody breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
breakin' breakin' breakin' me down
           

deep in a trance
floating through time
hearing but not listening
looking but not seeing
touching but not feeling
only a melodious rhythm
the heartbeat of this listless form

confusion

hindrances of trust
uprooted truths
where's the reality!!!??

Time on Wings

Self-explanatory title. Nothing more to say.

starlight

so far away
the diamond studded in the velvet sky
a jewel in the night
radiantly shining
life pulsing from the icy tips
if it were here on earth
giving joys of its own world
hear how it sighs, how it laughs
treasures of priceless value

Bipolarity

I wonder if I have a mild case of bipolarity. It would explains things a lot. xD

March's March

Marching towards the goal
Marching forward and not looking back
Marching with hestitating steps
Marching past and away from those bittersweet times
Marching to reach the ultimate

February's Facade

Winter continues to linger at my feet with unbreakable devotion.
Spring lurks somewhere around the corner of the approaching month.
Hope sprouts out of the deep fountain within my soul.
Just waiting, hoping, and dreaming.

Amidst all the flawless reveries a bittersweet taste remains.
High-held hopes reach just enough for the sky.
Yet feel the dreaded sensation of reality.
Just knowing, dreading, and fearing.

Someday the dreams will be broken with little guarantee to spare.
The cruelties of life will once more be revealed.
The harshness of winter will strike back with no warning.
Just conspiring, striking, and waiting.

:P

It's obvious that winter has indeed decided to come stay. After having short-sleeved Christmas Eve and New Year's, I was starting to doubt the stability of the climate. So here I am, rubbing and blowing into my freezing hands to keep them warm as I type.

Gah... Well, instead of plunging into another fit of emotional rage, I think I'll just stop blogging and get back to my movie. :D

lAzEE

I spent my break lazing around like a pig, and now I'm paying the consequences for it. I don't do assignments ahead of time like I used to. I'm such a bad BAD person.

I really gotta stop procrastinating.. and to think I'd conquered it...
I'm learning again though. I'm gonna stop this. I'M GONNA WIN!!!!!!!!!!
NOw lemme see... chem exam tomorrow... two english assignments for tues...

I think I'll go and watch a movie now... *yawn*

Beginnings of 2010

Nothing much happened really... then school started-- so I died. end of story